Thursday, July 05, 2007

Lack of confidence

I feel like I have had a massive wake-up call today. After reading the following article: Gender Differences: Recognizing and Developing Potential in Female Students. I realised many things about the way I have been feeling.

Before I went to TAFE Tasmania I knew what I knew. I was confident when it came to computing. I was actually proud of my abilities. If you know me; you'll know that's a pretty big deal.

After I started TAFE my confidence dropped. At times almost completely. I'm not even sure about something when I KNOW the answer. Pretty silly aye.

I feel like I was set-up to fail at TAFE. All the projects I was asked to do were impossible to pass. Even when I explained why they where impossible I was made to do them anyway.
What got me was the teachers were then shocked, and disappointed when I failed the tasks. In the end I was made to feel like I only graduated by the good graces of one of the teachers. I was shown over and over again that I couldn't compete in the IT industry, and that my skills where highly inadequate.

I don't know why they teach IT here in Tasmania, as there is NO IT industry, which kinda makes a Technical diploma mute. That probably makes my diplomas worthless. Yet I digress.

After reading this article I have realised that it's perhaps not my abilities at fault. Perhaps it is more that my confidence has taken a massive knock. Perhaps it is more the way that I learn, and how that has not been nourished.
I feel as though I have been letting all of this get to me so badly. At times I'm even worried to do things on my own network.

Also when I think back to my schooling, I might have let it get to me there as well. I am a very logical, and technically minded person. Yet I left college (Year 11 and 12 in Australia) thinking that I would be lucky if I was smart enough to even wash dishes.

Now I have a new outlook on all of this. I want to start believing in my abilities again. I want to find a way to build up my confidence. I know that it'll be hard. I probably need to achieve something small to help bring it back up.
Yet I am grateful that I have realised that it probably isn't my abilities, and knowledge. Maybe I can do this. I guess time will tell.