Monday, February 19, 2007

Self Corruption

So much for the last couple of days. I got caught out in the rain and since then I have been really unwell. I am feeling a little better today so I thought I should come and write down some of the things in my head.

My Writing
I often get disappointed about my writing. I always think it could be so much more; that I could put things in a more accurate, descriptive and or thoughtful way. Often I don't feel like I have said what I `wanted to say'. I have been thinking about this problem, and I believe that there are two things that cause me to feel this way. These two problems certainly effect other areas of my life and not just my writing, yet today I just want to look at my writing.

Firstly I'm a perfectionist, and everything I do is not perfect, in fact nothing I do lives up to the expectation I place upon it. This is such a flaw in my thinking. I don't treat anyone else this way. I don't expect anything from anyone. Yet of myself I expect unreasonable and often impossible things.
I need to start treating everything I do as a learning experience! and stop trying to reach unreachable ideals. As this attitude only leads to disappointment, due to either not completing the task at all, or not being happy with it, and feeling as though it is never completed.

Secondly I believe the other problem is that I don't want to get personal. I'm a very private person and I don't like to give to much away about myself. Yet this leads to a number of problems;

  • It totally corrupts the creative process and leads to opinions and ideas being stifled and filtered.
  • Also no one knows who I am. I don't have a online nor a professional identity that is known.
  • In not wanting praise for my work no one even knows who completed it, and I don't get more work from it.
Therefore I have no work, no money and no one knows me, Purely because I am not putting myself out there. This is a problem!!!
I need to say hey world this is me and this is what I can do. Otherwise I'll never get anywhere.